Six pointer? Six goaller!! as Stoke crush Hull City 5-1


Stoke wiped the floor with poor free-falling Hull. It was laughable watching even Tom Ince running rings around them; they were that poor. Powell & Clucas both scored twice. 6 pointer? 6 goaller! Here’s how it unfolded in real time:

Hull’s Tigers arrive like lambs-to-the-slaughter on a run of 11 games without a win. The pressure’s on Stoke then, not Hull. The battle of the Jordan’s is won by Thompson (as Jordan Cousins is injured) & youth over experience up front as Tyrese returns with a roar. He’s more a tiger than Hull are! No handshakes due to Coronavirus, and the mascots only get a hand on the shoulder instead of a hand to hold. Sad.

0.00 Hull desperate to unnerve Stoke by making them change ends, to the boos of the Boothen. Joe Allen unnerves everyone having had a haircut!!
2.01 Martins Indi does a Marc Wilson “jink”, although he doesn’t leave Lopez on his arse like Willo used to do.
4.30 Ince does his blasts-over-from-close-range-when-it-looked-easier-to-score thing.
10.44 1-0 !! Great move with Ince down the right, laying off Smith to cross long for Powell at the far post to head home. Keeper George Long should have done better, practically palming it into the net, but do we care? What we do care is that the move actually included some decent set-up work involving the back-4 and Jordan Thompson. It’s like proper football!
14.20 Penalty!! Handball by Sean McLoughlin.
15.25 2-0 !! As Tyrese blasts the ball in the bottom left corner! He doesn’t look like someone who’d miss. Must be a new breed of Stoke player!
17.19 3-0 !! Just as we thought Tyrese had blown it for not passing to Clucas, his shot is deflected to Sam, who blasts home. Otherwise we’d never have heard the last of it from Clucas…. Stoke are good, sure; but Hull are woeful, which is really what explains the score line.

21.49 Powell put through but lobs wide, so a return to normal service! However, he then starts winning headers! Nick Powell! I KNOW! He then gets a free-kick when he tries to head a low ball too near a boot. Not a wise move, Nick.

42.47 Jack catches a corner, just to remind us he’s still here! We already know, Jack.
45+1 Joe Allen pulls up after a minor midfield clash, and despite getting to his feet, is stretchered off at half-time.
HT Unbelievably Stoke 3 Hull 0
45.00 Tashan Oakley-Boothe replaces Joe Allen. I’ll be honest, Tash doesn’t look like a real footballer…
Attendance 23,126 – nobody put off by the Coronavirus!
49.48 4-0 !!! What a goal. A brilliantly worked free-kick from Jordan Thompson, headed back by Batth for Clucas to head over and beyond hapless Long.
59.59 Hull so poor that even Tom Ince can run rings around them! Nuff said.
63.58 Hull have a chance! Magennis heads over from close range! Everyone looks amazed! Hull fans swoon!
70.42 Crying with laughter as Ince gets the ball on the edge of the box, tees it up, and then shoots wide. Clearly someone somewhere genuinely thought he was going to score, and from there. Don’t know why it’s funny but it is.
72.30 4-1 !! Hull pull one back with Leonardo Da Silva Lopes banging in from a cross from the left. Trying to think of an expression where I can say “before you can say ‘Leonardo Da Silva Lopes’…” but I can’t. Poor marking by Martins Indi, methinks.
73.45 Before you can say “Leonardo Da Silva Lopes”, Lopes grapples astonished Powell to the ground. Crowd goes bonkers, and not just by my eloquent turn of phrase. Yellow card for Lopes.
77.01 Tyrese brings out a finger-tipped save from Long, but in other news the ref (Tim Robinson) refuses Martins Indi permission to return to the pitch after injury. Crowd rightly goes bonkers…again, but before you can say “Leonardo Da Silva Lopes” (or shortly afterwards) he’s back on. Never seen the like.
80.16 Ince on the break fluffs his final pass to Tyrese. He should have just taken a shot…
85.15 5-1 !! Tashan (looking now like a footballer!) finally makes his mark by receiving the ball from Ince down the left side of the box, beating his man to cross for Powell to finish from close range.
88.03 Tyrese & Powell replaced by Vokes and Gregory. Clucas named man of match. (Well, we’d never have heard the last of it if they hadn’t.)
90+3 Game putters out. 5-1. Good day at the office. Bring it on!